People simply don’t know how to be with their sexuality, and so here we are again. And this time it involves a partner unlike my other blog posts that focus on the individual’s practice. I’m sure you’re excited now.

Choosing an Aware Partner

Part of the reason that I encourage you so strongly to develop your own practice is that it helps you to understand what issues are in your body and your energy. Your personal sexual practice allows you to know how to be with your own orgasmic energy and how to feel its movement ripple through your body. You begin to learn how to use it to release issues. Most of our bodies are warzones; they’re littered with emotional and physical abuse shrapnel. It’s an f’ing mess, people. And when you start to use the power of sexuality, you’re going to be re-opening a lot of wounds. Because you have to. Because it’s time to get the bullets out.

This practice can become a foundation for a deeper level of healing that you can choose to have with a partner. I really encourage you to find a partner who has or is willing to develop his or her own spiritual sexual practice. Your partner will need to know his or her issues and how to be with energy. It’s important because if that person doesn’t, your partner may get really activated or upset when issues start coming up for him or her or if your partner starts to feel your issues moving. Without a clear sense of their body and sexuality, your partner will absorb those issues and act out because of them. You’ve probably seen couples and watched a friend start to act more and more like their partner. Sex is one of the ways they start taking on each other’s issues. It’s also one of the amazing ways where two people can heal each other through oneness.

The Depth, Power, and Seriously Scariness of Union

Sexual union is one of the most profound ways we can experience oneness in a physical body with another human being. It is the penultimate experience of oneness for the body. Coming into that place with another unleashes a huge amount of energy. That’s part of the reason that it can move someone to enlightenment or create life. In the context of healing, you are  tapping into an extra source of energy to help push you through your barriers. And that’s just it; you’re going to hit your barriers. You both might be hitting them at the same time. This can be intense and overwhelming, which we’re taught to interpret as scary. You know when someone is holding back in their body. It ruins a sexual experience aimed for pleasure. In the space of spirituality, that holding back informs your partner that something is going on for you. Because this space isn’t focused on pleasure (sure it can be a blast, but this blog is about all the stuff in the way of that bliss), your partner will be focused on being present to you and loving you.

Love Guides Us Through

Love is the key element here. Because many tantric positions aren’t aiming towards orgasm in the same way, love really plays a defining role where lust, passion, and drive for release have been the key catalysts for other sexual experiences. Love is the element that holds, nurtures, and allows, and it’s essential for clearing barriers. When your partner hits something in his or her body, you don’t have to do anything. You simply have to stay in that space and to continue to love him or her with the fullness of your being. Conversely, if you have something coming up, that’s what your partner should be doing for you. When something comes up, talking about it may help. Crying may help. A lot of things can move, and there needs to be an enormous amount of love and allowing so that the person can have these emotions and release the issue.

Now you can start to see why I haven’t been in a hurry to tell everyone to get into spiritual sex with a partner in my previous blog posts. It’s a lot of work, and this is operating outside of the socially acceptable paradigm of sex, which is all about people “getting theirs.” Spiritual sex often forgoes ejaculation (the guys are in shock now). I know, right? Why in the world would I want that? Well, spiritual sex is a whole other level of union and service to one another. It can be intensely beautiful, but it can also be a lot of work–a lot of work to prepare yourself to be with another on this level so that you both can be okay with whatever experience arises. It can be a lot of work by yourself, and then it’s a lot of work with your partner as inevitably, you may hit things that both of you aren’t prepared to work through or release.

Finding the Right Partner

This is actually an interesting thing. The way we expect life partners to have all the pieces to what we need or want is a little unrealistic. A long history of divorces and cheating partners points to this in some ways. And you may not have a current partner who can be with you on this level. That’s a tough thing, and it’s not something that I have a solution for. Instead, I simply point to the fact that you need a partner who has the right resonance for you. They don’t even have to be particularly good at sex. That’s not a requirement, and as you’ve probably figured out in this post, the pleasure aspect is completely secondary to the state of union and the service of spirit. I’m sure that’s a disappointment and not what many of you wanted to hear. But on the other hand, union can be intensely pleasurable. This is in opposition to many experiences focused on sex that don’t touch union and often don’t really touch much if any pleasure. How many times have you had sex and maybe you felt good initially, but then the drop-off comes and you’re kinda like, “Oh. Was that it?”

So, the right partner won’t necessarily be beautiful in social terms. He or she won’t need to be a total heart-throb stud or wild vixen. He or she simply has to be the right person for you.

Your Spiritual Sexuality Work-Out: Get Some Gatorade and Journal, Partner

By using different positions and exercises, you can build a safe space together over the course of  weeks and months. Often you won’t be having intercourse. Eventually, you can step into that space together, and then you can start to see what comes up–maybe nothing at first. Or maybe a whole lot of things come up. Then you come out of that space, and you have to do the work of being with, owning, discussing, and journaling about that experience so that you can integrate it on all levels–mind, body, heart, and soul. You do some of this on your own, and some of this you need to do together.

All the while, you’re continuing your own sexual practice, which will be enriched by having the partnered experience much as the partnered experience is enriched by you having your own practice. You can see how this works. It is intensely beautiful, and having someone to share this with will be a wonderful and amazing bond for the time that it is meant to last. All relationships, after all, are temporary. They arise for a little while–days, decades, lifetimes, and then they pass. Enjoy this one. It is sacred.

Next blog: Healing Family Issues and Karma


I'm a spiritual teacher who helps people find freedom from suffering.


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