Developing Conscious Relationships

I know that I often talk little about relationships on this spiritual awakening blog.

Part of it has to do with the fact that most of us know so little about ourselves that ourselves must be the focus of our attention before we worry about what type of external relationships we want in our lives. The internal relationship with ourselves–how we live and treat ourselves–must be repaired first if we want to be able to sincerely bring kindness and love into our external relationships.

With that said, we do not transform in a vacuum.

We offer ourselves no help in trying to live out some solitary spiritual fantasy. Human beings are communal, and we need others with whom we can build conscious relationships and practice new behavior patterns. That’s how spiritual rebirth works.

Spiritual Rebirth: The Arising of Natural Living

Let’s pause there.

Because we need to be clear about a “conscious relationship” even means.

And for so many of you with all the trauma that you have, we need to talk about what a healthy relationship even is.

What Is a Relationship?

Let’s start very, very simply.

A relationship is an interaction between two people.

It can be regular or only once. You bought the coffee from the barista. You never saw that redhead again. But you did have a relationship–an interaction with some amount of agreed upon social rules.

You give da money.

She gave da coffee.

Then the relationship ended.

What Is a Healthy Relationship?

A healthy relationship is when both people are supported mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and/or physically.

The more points of interaction, the more possibilities for greater health.

Health is ultimately founded in things like kind touch, getting necessary resources, helping in meaningful ways. For some simple examples, we can go with:

• Listening to someone
• Teaching someone learn a new skill
• Giving a hug

In healthy relationships, reciprocity builds a flow of giving and returning. Transparency allows people to see and hear where you really are. Love brings deep connection, understanding, and compassion into play.

Unhealthy relationships are about manipulating, transactions, domination/submission, winning over someone, physical harm, and all too many other ugly things.

For many people, they have to learn new patterns in reciprocity, transparency, and love while unlearning the unhealthy ones.

What Is a Healthy, Conscious Relationship?

A healthy conscious relationship is grounded in the reality of what is needed now.

Being honest is healthy.

However, when ICE breaks down your door without cause demanding if you know of any immigrants, you may very well lie if you’re conscious–grounded in reality. (I used to use Anne Franke and Nazis as an example, but it’s 2026. This example is culturally relevant).

Being grounded in reality helps you to adjust your understanding of what is healthy now. People who abuse honesty require a different response.

An unconscious, but healthy person gets stuck in their beliefs about what they want reality to be. They can want to believe that following rules and being honest are the right things, but when the rules are abused by those in power, the reality has changed. The rigidity of unconsciousness creates for unhealthy and distorted actions in the otherwise healthy person.

Life is too big to be stuck in static ego perspectives, no matter how well-meaning.

You all know the old adage. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Freedom shows us the reality, and then we do our best to engage with it.

How to Find Spiritual Freedom

It Takes Two Babe

Now, that we’ve got this foundation, I want to reinforce that you have to do your work to have any idea what you’re asking from a partner, friend, business client, family member, or someone else.

The level of hypocrisy on the spiritual path is vast. Many people want their partners to do things that they cannot do themselves. Then they whine about how “unconscious” their partner is. They’re also susceptible to manipulation by any so-called spiritual person who uses the right words.

Additionally, a lot of partners want to do the work, but they don’t necessarily know how. They may need help.

You very likely need help.

Both of you have your work cut out for you.

Remember:

Relationships are two-way streets. Each person has to clean up their side.

Can’t Drag Anyone to Enlightenment

The point is that you are not going to drag anyone down this spiritual path. You can call this work self-improvement instead of the spiritual path if you like. There are lots of ways to frame the rebirthing of a relationship to others.

But they still must agree to creating a conscious relationship and all the self-work that it requires.

If the other person is not interested in changing the relationship, growing as a person, and learning to relate in a new way, then those choices must be accepted and honored.

You can’t fix yourself to overcome and compensate for your partner, father, mother, daughter, son, or anyone else’s deficits. This may mean the end of the relationship in many instances.

Do Relationships Block Spirituality?

Building Up Slowly and Defining Things Clearly

I encourage you to take things slowly.

A lot of people haven’t seen many conscious relationships if any, and you are unlikely to have a friend, business partner, or lover who has either. So you’re going to spend a lot of time defining what you mean, starting with what it means to be in a conscious relationship (romance, friendship, father-daughter, whatever it may be).

Here are some guidelines to creating the foundation for a conscious relationship:

• You will hold space for each other. Essentially, this means learning to listen without judgment and allow the other to have difficult moments without trying to fix or change them.
• You will communicate with each other regularly.
• You both acknowledge that you don’t know everything about yourselves.
• You commit to continually learning and growing.
• You accept that this relationship won’t last forever.
• You accept that life is messy and that includes conscious relationships.
• You will set aside time to help each other work through specific issues.
• You will request and be open to constructive feedback and find what feels true to you to work on.

Even with a business partnership, this can be extremely helpful because money and success issues deeply trigger people. If you aren’t learning about yourself and your business, your business may not last. So even in business, there is space for growth and for supporting each other in a conscious way.

Breaking Down Your Triggers for the Other Person

Along with all of that stuff above, it is important to help the other person know what your triggers and hot buttons are.

This isn’t meant to be a warning sign, but rather, it becomes an invitation for your friend, lover, or whomever to say, “Hey, you’re triggered right now. You may want to take a breath and re-think what you are doing/saying.”

In old unconscious relationships, the ego would be affronted and try to attack the other person. Or, the victim identity thinks it is even more worthless shuts down. Some people avoid. Some people run.

None of that is conscious.

It may still happen. If you are on the path out of ego suffering, you learn to:

• catch yourself in the behavior or shortly thereafter
• apology if you’ve hurt someone
• do inner work to dig out the deeper issue which has nothing to do with the other person

Identify, Accept, Embrace, and Let Go

Do you see how this works?

In a conscious relationship, there’s a deepening of self responsibility for both parties.

As we deepen in our responsibility for knowing ourselves, we can learn more from the other and offer them deeper insights into themselves in virtually any life situation.

I can’t tell you how much I’ve learned from relationships in general, so as one other sidebar thought, if you ever thought that the spiritual path is a solo one, I beg to differ.

Leading Community Is Work

The Fun Stuff Gets Funner

As two people release ego attachments, more space is made within them and within the relationship.

Another way to look at this spacious freedom is that you won’t feel trapped.

A lot of people find relationships as a kind of ball and chain strapped to their ankles. Part of that is the person’s own issues. The other part is their partner’s issues. Now there is no perfect or idyllic relationship out there that doesn’t have issues. That’s why you should expect that things will get get messy from time to time in a conscious relationship.

However, as that inner space gets cleaned up, we actually get closer to each other. In romantic relationships, that allows for amazing new depths of intimacy that can be felt. It’s more than pleasure; it’s freedom and love within the circle of another’s arms.

Spirituality and Making Love

And intimacy grows in friendships and other relationships. Most people haven’t touched the tip of the iceberg of love and intimacy in platonic relationships, so once again, I encourage you to think broadly about relationships and the many ways that acting honestly and consciously can enhance them.

Releasing Relationship Ideals

You may notice that the words “soulmate” or “twin flames” rarely enter my posts. They’re just the new new-agey code words for the next perfect romantic relationship.

But perfect relationships don’t exist, so it’s best to let that idea go. In a conscious relationship, you are not driving it towards perfection. You aren’t trying to whip your partner into shape.

Still, many people will try to fix their partner or change them, and to you, all I can say is that you’re locked up in your own suffering and distress. It’s best to see what it is within you that wants to fix or manipulate others.

This is a subtle or not so subtle dance of control, and control always comes from the ego. Even when it purportedly has good intentions, this is the surest road to more misery, exhaustion within the relationship, and frustration.

Just let those relationships go that don’t want to evolve. I encourage you to seek the people who want to have a conscious relationship, and I encourage you to be vulnerable and open about your interests in that regard.

You rarely get what you truly want by telling no one.

Finally, there’s a lot to unpack with what people want in a romantic relationship. Modern Westerners are trying to get numerous needs all from one person.

That’s not reality. That’s unconsciousness at work, and you can dive deeper into unpacking your romantic ideals in the following link:

Awakening and Unbrainwashing Romantic Relationship Ideals

Start with Close Friends

Before you jump into the bed with your current or next romantic partner and try to do this whole conscious relationship, I encourage you to start with close friends or develop some spiritual friends.

However, spirituality doesn’t mean that spiritual friends will be interested in conscious relationships. You may find a great deal of unconsciousness, trauma, and general avoidance of difficulty in so-called “spiritual” people.

But, as I said, there are those of us out there who are interested in a different type of relationship where love and removing inner darkness are both embraced, so have heart. If you are sincere, you can create these new friendships more easily than you may imagine. And people don’t have to be on the exact same path to experiment with healthier relationships grounded in reality.

Perfectionism is part of the unconscious ego, and it often is a sign of trauma or severe trauma. A severely traumatized person gets lost in trying to find a perfect way to never feel hurt, but trauma is in the body. So they always fail, and no one is ever good enough in their relationships.

Be Nobody

Letting Things Fail

Now obviously, I’m not speaking from the place of higher truth where there is no such thing as failure. However in this dualistic world, things succeed and fail. If a relationships fails or ends, that is not necessarily a failure though.

A lot of times the best relationships take the least amount of energy even though work and energy are put into them.

You get more back than you put in.

It seems miraculous.

Consequently, when a relationship is getting worked on a lot and both people are committed and honest, but it doesn’t work; let it fail. Just let it fall apart.

Something else will be seen.

Remember that all of life is temporary. Don’t fight to hold onto something that is ending. In letting go, you can honor it for what it is now and appreciate the sweetness of the past without souring it with desperation and denial of what is going on.

In this way, a relationship can come to completion, making fertile soil for new relationships and new lessons to arise.

Just don’t be quick to quit. Both parties need to really lean into what is failing because, as I just said, something will be seen.

Are you truly conscious? If you are, then you’re really looking at what is right before you. What new revelation awaits?

Spiritual Revelations and Realizations Roll Through You

The Ego’s Many Levels

The ego has many levels.

You can only learn so much at a time, and society is deeply distorted in how it presents relationships to us.

The Disney dream and Instagram ideals have distorted millions of peoples’ ideas about what a relationship should look like, distracting them from how to actually live a healthy conscious relationship.

There’s a lot of inner work to do to have a conscious relationship, but they are possible.

Do the work.

Find someone else who does the work too.

Everyone deserves healthy relationships grounded in reality, and when everyone is sincere, everyone wins.

Updated 2/15/2026