Death is part of this world.
It’s not a topic I discuss too much on this blog because I’m largely trying to help people learn how to live from the space of freedom before death comes a-knocking. But sometimes, death comes before that. Sometimes, a death of a loved one is a catalyst for someone’s spiritual journey. Or a near-death experience for the individual him/herself jolts them into an inquiry into truth and life.
Regardless, death is part of this world, and the longer we are on it, the more often we will have to support someone who is on the doorstep to death.
The following questions can help you to best support someone on that doorstep.
1. Do You Want to Live?
The above question escapes people, but it is crucial. Assuming someone wants to live is presumption, and quite frankly, it is up to every person whether they want to live or not.
I know this can be a hard thing to accept, but sometimes, people lose the will to live. Sometimes, people truly want to embrace the release of death. Those two types of people can be actually different, by the way, and at a certain point in our lives, consciously embracing the release of death is a natural and health way to surrender.
Asking the question if a person wants to live is critical in supporting someone appropriately, and for those who want to live, it may help to cement their conviction, which then leads to two more really important questions.
2. What Does Living Mean to You?
We often assume that people should live for the sake of living. There are lots of people who are just existing. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it is important to know what kind of life a person wants to return to if you’re going to support them. The answer to this question may also inform you as to why a person answered the way they did to the first question.
For instance, a serviceperson who is going to be a paraplegic after coming back from battle may have to grieve not having the same active lifestyle they once had if they are going to decide that they want to live. Losing the ability to live that former lifestyle means they have to re-evaluate what living means in general. Opening a discussion around what living has meant and what it may mean is critical to help a person in this example.
3. What Are You Willing to Do to Live?
The first two questions establish what a person wants, and with that clear between the person fighting to live and all involved parties, a reasonable discussion about what they’ll be willing to do to live can be had.
Because fighting to live and overcome battle-wounds, cancer, heart disease, diabetes, and other life-threatening situations is going to ask a lot. It asks a lot of time, perseverance, and–in the U.S.’s healthcare system–a shit ton of money. It’s important to be clear about how far a person is willing to go.
Getting Used to Difficult Conversations
A lot of conversations are difficult because we don’t have the language for them, so hopefully, these questions can help you and your loved ones when they are needed. But even then, people have a lot of attachments to other people living. Those attachments don’t dissolve without inner work, and thus, you may often be having these conversations while still feeling deeply triggered. It’s a challenging thing to ask your mother with stage 4 pancreatic cancer if she wants to live. To truly ask that means that she can say, “No.”
For more thoughts on topics related to death, you can check out these blog posts:
2 Comments
Another very interesting post Jim,
I took two years out of my work to become a full time helper for my mother in 2018/19. Your first question – do you want to live? – was a definitive NO from my mother (she was 90 and had been diagnosed with lung cancer). To be able to speak to her about that decision made it much easier to talk about questions 2 and 3, and to bring the rest of the family to understand those difficult conversations.
In the end my mother died as she wished to – with some peace and tranquility, at home, with minimal medical intervention. As an ex-serviceman, I think that training helped me to deal with the day to day commitment that needed to be undertaken, but reading your blog posts over the past few years strengthened my mind and heart to see through those last few months. I would also add that there is much to be said for the sense of belonging that the armed forces gives you. When I cried, I cried on the shoulders of my ex-RAF friends, not my family. I had not seen some of them for 30 years, but they just ‘get it’.
On a lighter note, my mother was born in 1929 in Glasgow, Scotland, so she was ten years old when the Second World War broke out. One day during her illness, she commented to a nurse that she really wanted a cigarette. The nurse asked ‘when did you start smoking?’ She replied ‘when Hitler started bombing the dockyards!’ 🙂
Thank you for your inspiring posts
Chris
Thank you for your very thoughtful comment, Chris. I appreciate it!